I think I have somewhat given up writing this month. Maybe it’s the prolonged inactivity I have been stuck in, everything I write sounds stupid and contrived. It feels like I have not written in a long, long time but in actuality, my last post is only 3 days ago. Although that can be considered rather long considering the frequency with which I (used to) update.
I suppose now is as good a time as any for the annual year end reflection, but I don’t know what to say. I think at some point during the year I lamented that time passed too quickly, that in the blink of an eye it’s March already, then October, then December. I say think because I can’t be sure. Right now, I harbour complete opposite opinion of the speed at which time is marching at. I cannot wait for 2011 to be over. Even three days is too long to sit through.
The worst part about this year is how stagnant everything has been. I spent 2 months in National Service camp learning nothing, waiting for time to pass. I did have a lot of fun there, met lots of people, got out of my comfort zone a bit but it wasn’t real. It was just a really long vacation in which I wasn’t allowed to sleep in, ever. Maybe it’s just me, but I left the camp a same person, except more tanned and funnily enough, 2kg heavier. After having lived with the friends I made in camp for 2 months (it seemed like a really long time while in there), I wondered how I would survive without them. When I got back home, I quickly realised that the people were only a small part of what I missed. They were people I have only known for only two months, which is practically nothing compared to most of the high school friends I still keep in touch with. What I really missed was not having to worry about uncertainties. Remember, when I was in camp, SPM results were not yet released, college was still a vague picture in my head. I had (have) big dreams but I wasn’t sure if I would ever make it out of the country. Being in camp meant not worrying about any of that and that was what I missed most when I got home. Even though it was wonderful to be able to have long hot showers again, it was like walking into a crushing pot of pressure and anticipation.
Post-NS days were relaxing to a certain extent, in that I could lounge about in the house and my parents would be sympathetic. But again, it was a standstill. I was simply waiting for SPM results, and then for the UTM and JPA interview, then for that one-week stint at TARC, then the interview outcome. Then I continued waiting, now for July so that I could enroll in KBU. It was just one thing after another. Always waiting. Very unlike last year when I was grasping for any time I could.
That’s not to say that I didn’t utilise the time spent waiting. I did things I couldn’t do excessively while in high school. I went for art classes and tennis lessons, I read day and night, I watched countless movies and TV shows. But… my time could have been better spent. I don’t exactly regret what I did (or did not do) this year since it was a conscious choice that I made: to watch as many movies as I can and read just as many books. Basically I wanted a break between high school and hectic college life to do what I love. I guess I got what I wished for.
That kind of sort of wraps up 2011. This was not a year of learning or new revelations, and not much of success in soul-searching either. I am, however, fully recharged and (somewhat) eager to jump back onto the academic treadmill, exams and all. There weren’t too many messy emotional breakdowns this year. In fact, I think I have made peace with certain… matters of the heart. All things considered, this year has been pretty good. So there, bring it on 2012.
PS: There are many, many things I have not mentioned, i.e. my family, studies, Architecture, friends, life away from home, the books and movies that have changed me, and so much more. But if I were to write about everything, I probably won’t get up from this chair for another hour or two and I really need that nap, so this will have to do.
